| Location | Ashford |
| Age | 0 |
| Cause of Death | Still Birth |
| Date of Birth | 18/09/2002 |
| Date of Death | 18/09/2002 |
| Visitors | 659 since 24/02/2009 |
| Creator |
I am a natural worrier, anyone that knows me well enough knows about me and my anxiety disorder. During my pregnancy with James I could just feel something wasnt quite right, call it mothers instinct.
I went for scans and tests and they were all fine, until my 20 week scan..... probably one of the worst days of my life.
Laying on the scan table the sonographer pushed the probe over my precious growing tummy, my eldest Darren waved at the screen 'hello baby' id had many scans before but this one actualy hurt! The sonographer was a hard faced cold looking woman who simply said 'what im seeing here is a largly swollen kidney possibly multi cystic, i need to refur you to William Harvey..I was sick with fear, 'will my baby be ok??' they wouldnt tell me anymore,
2 weeks passed as I had to wait for an appointment I didnt take Darren with me this time but I was praying everything was going to be ok although deep down I knew it wasnt going to be good news.
Again the probe was pushed around my tummy I didnt dare look at the screen but a glimpse of the ladies concered face told me everything i already knew..
'Your babies kidney is hugley enlarged and multi cystic, there is no amniotic fluid surrounding your baby, The kidney has crushed every internal organ except the heart' I told her to stop but the words kept coming 'Im very sorry, your baby has no chance of survival' Il never forget those words, how they seemed to echo round the room. Why didnt the other sonographer tell me the rest, at least warn me, i was deep in shock and drove home with my husband both on auto pilot!
Getting back to my grandparents I looked at Daz and broke, how was I going to explain this to a 3 year old who is expecting a new baby brother or sister, i locked myself in the bathroom and cried for the 1st time since finding out.
I was given 2 options, have the baby now by induction or wait until full term, allow the baby to die inside me.I decided there was no point delaying the inevitable, the little baby had been through enough fighting to survive.
Two days later I was back in hospital taking tablets to prepare my body for early labour and to sign a contract to say i did not want the hospital to resusitate after delivery, i still dont know to this day how i got the strength to sign my name.
The labour and birth took 3 hours from beginning to end, I pushed my beautiful but silent baby boy into the world and held him tight, We called him James (Darrens middle name) he was perfect, there was no sign of the problems inside his tiny body, he lived for about an hour then passed away in my arms.
My biggest life regret is although I held him, had him baptised and told him i loved him and always will i never kissed him goodbye, i was heavily sedated on morphine and at the time it didnt even occur to me to kiss him, I now wish to god i did as i will never get the chance again.
He was sent to guys and st thomas hospital in london for a post mortom, it showed up as him having Edwards syndrome. 2 weeks later we had his funeral.. I couldnt of wished for a lovelier vicar than Trisha Hall, I owe her so much, she gave him the best send off, it was moving.. his tiny white coffin, all the lovely flowers, the poems and the kind words were over whelming.
I will never forget the short time we had, and would give anything just to know him again, his ashes are buried in Hawkinge crematorium and I visit him lots with the children, i feel blessed to have Darren and have gone on to have Lily and Charlie. All i know is James is a very special angel and im proud to be his mummy.
Precious Child by Karen Taylor Good
In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still
In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still
In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then
In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
Angel Babies - by Unknown Author
Over the rainbow, way up high,
Past fluffy white clouds the Angel babies fly.
With the sun's golden rays shining bright overhead,
Tumble and bumble they bounce out of bed.
Good morning, sun! The day has begun!
With delicate wings and sweet little faces,
They dance and they play and they race flying races.
Then, swooping and looping down through a cloud,
Or sliding and riding and singing out loud,
Wiggle and giggle, some fast and some slow,
The Angel babies fly to the earth down below.
Not everyone knows this, but truly it's true --
Little Angel babies have big jobs to do!
In gardens and meadows, they coax forth the flowers
With sunlight and love and gentle rain showers.
In fields and forests they spread soft white wings,
Sharing kindness and joy with all living things.
Small animal, babies in quiet green places
Rejoice in warm smiles from sweet Angel faces.
In backyards and baskets, on fireside rugs,
Small creatures are cuddles in soft Angel hugs.
Soon evening is bright with red-orange light,
And day slowly fades to make way for the night.
As good little children curl up in their beds,
The Angels bring sweet dreams to young sleepyheads.
Then the sound of a horn only Angels can hear
Calls out to them all -- here and there, far and near.
It beckons them back from wherever they roam,
Work is done for the day! Now it's time to go home.
Blinking and winking, bright stars in the sky
Twinkle and shine as the Angels fly by -- so softly singing a sweet Lullaby.
Yawning and stretching, they climb in their beds.
Cloud blankets warm bodies, cloud pillows rest heads.
Snuggled in tight with the moon shining bright
Sleep tight, sweet dreams, good night.
Good night James, Angel baby, Sleep Tight xxx
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GOD BLESS, LOVE Joanne.X
thinking of you tomorrow on mothers day xxx
Dandelions from Heaven
Mothers day is coming And I wanted to send you a sign
something you can tell others; "Is from an angel of mine
So I searched the heavens high and low for that perfect thing....
And low and behold I found it.... And a smile I hope it will bring.
So when you look to the heavens and see the yellow stars in the sky
Just think of me .... your angel... in the heavens way up high
And just imagine those stars; are dandelions up above.
Yes! Dandelions are also in heaven; which you know how much I love.
So on this mothers day and you awake and feel blue....
You will notice those yellow stars... are no longer in view.
So look to the meadows and the dandelions you see...
Are the ones I've tossed down this mothers day from me.
And when you find a dandelion that has turned from yellow to white;
Youre supposed to make a wish and then blow with all your might.
For you will be blowing kisses to me in heaven above....
And I will be catching them and blowing them back sent with all my love.
Please know that l am with you.... on this mothers day....
And also in the days ahead.... God and I will never stray.
We will be with you in the morning ....when you awake and see the sun....
We will be with you when you say your prayers when the day is done.
For God and I will never be very far from your side....
For I can now be everywhere.... and God will be your guide.
So.... remember when you see dandelions it is your guarantee
That I am always close to you.... for dandelions are free to roam ....now just like me.
I will always be with you mummy....
Happy Mothers Day....
Love your angel in heaven.
Anonymous.
I am going away tomorrow for a week but you are always in my thoughts & in my heart xxx
My heart goes out to you & your precious family... your love shines through in your words for your darling boy James.
I am also an angel mummy & i feel your pain,
love Shelly xxx
My angel James
Baby James, I feel blessed that god chose me to be your mummy, You are always in my thoughts and my heart. I wish Stewart could of met you. Even though only me and your Daddy ever met you lots of people love you and we talk about you all the time and visit your baby garden.
Darren, lily and charlie and any future children will all know about you and how beautiful you are.
Love you forever my beautiful son
Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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